mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize