Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
