I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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