John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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