Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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