i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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