i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
