I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
