you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
