i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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