The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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