My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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