I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
