can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
