I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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