I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
