I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
