then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Two words: blizzard sex
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
