Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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