you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
