Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
