sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
