I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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