BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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