i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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