in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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