sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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