cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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