I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
