Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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