Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
