so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
