Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Randomize