she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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