How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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