i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
