my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
