I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
