I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
