hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
