So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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