I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
