I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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