Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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