got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
All I want is dick and wine.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
