So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You ruined the universe
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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