So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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