Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
