I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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