A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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