I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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