Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
