There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
