i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
