Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
