My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
