I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
